


Who The Hell Is Moaning At 3am?

by orphan_account



Category: BLACKPINK (Band), EXO (Band), GOT7, SEVENTEEN (Band), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: A few serious parts, Agender Character, Asexual, Bisexual, Drunk Texting, F/F, Gay, Group chat, I Don't Even Know, Implied Sexual Content, Inappropriate Humor, Literally a Pride Parade, M/M, Pansexual, Protect the maknaes, Relationship(s), Some characters don't start talking til later, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Underage Drinking, also gay, everything is okay tho, lots of relationships, memes galore, pls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2018-12-02 15:38:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11512380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Agust Dick: okay who the hell is moaning at 3amDance Monster: sounds like kookie is gettin itjisoos #1: that is now forever imprinted in my mind----In which Vernon has the marvelous idea to create a group chat with Exo, Got7, Seventeen, BTS, and BLACKPINK. Chaos ensues.





	1. stop moaning ya nasties

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at like 6am so it's probably going to be filled with dick jokes and gayness.  
> Oh god this is a long list, but here's everyone's screen names (as of the beginning of this chapter)  
> SEVENTEEN  
> Choi Seungcheol - Dad  
> Yoon Jeonghan - Mom  
> Hong Jisoo - bibleguy  
> Lee Jihoon - smol and angry  
> Soonyoung - ddr  
> Wen Junhui - big ego™  
> Jeon Wonwoo - nerddd  
> Lee Seokmin - sunshine smile  
> Kim Mingyu -the tall one  
> Xu Minghao - thughao  
> Boo Seungkwan - hit the kwan  
> Hansol - mixtape  
> Lee Chan - baby  
> BTS  
> Seokjin - Mother  
> Yoongi - Agust Dick  
> Hoseok - J-Hoe  
> Rap Monster - Dance Monster  
> Jimin - Jamophobe  
> Taehyung - 4D Alien  
> Jungkook - jungcock
> 
> GOT7  
> Jackson - jackass  
> Mark - donut hoodie  
> Jinyoung - Mommy  
> Jaebum - cat army  
> Youngjae - iconic  
> BamBam - Dab  
> Yugyeom - yugyeom  
> EXO  
> Suho - Sad Mother  
> Tao - Gucci Af  
> Xiumin - dead  
> Kyungsoo - Fuck You  
> Baekhyun - Baeked Potato  
> Kris - memelord  
> Chanyeol -top text bottom text  
> Luhan - Blow It Like Flute  
> Sehun - Yehet  
> Kai - Innocent  
> Lay - Lay's Potato Chips  
> Chen - lurking  
> BLACKPINK  
> Lisa - Pretty And Nasty  
> Rosé - Gay™  
> Jisoo - Jisoo #1  
> Jennie - Momma 2.0

_mixtape added hit the kwan and 41 others to the chat_

Donut Hoodie: wtf is this

hit the kwan: Hi vernonie~

Donut Hoodie: I think I'm going to vomit

hit the kwan: fuck you

smol and angry: I'm trying to sleep ffs

mixtape: it's 2pm

smol and angry: your point?

mixtape: whatever

mixtape: anyways, I decided to add all my friends to a

group chat

Mom: who said we were your friends

Dad: oh shit

bibleguy: watch your profanity please and thank you

Dad: I'm older than you

bibleguy: please and thank you hYuNg

Dad: u wanna go?

jackass: oh shit gon get real

bibleguy: no

jackass: aw

Agust Dick: ffs shut up let me sleep

Jamophobe: like father like son lmao

Dab: Why are we even here

cat army: clean your room BamBam oh my god

cat army: I can smell it from my room

Dab: fuck off hyung

jackass: no he's right I can smell it from outside the dorm

Momma 2.0: what is this

Agust Dick: apparently dabdab's room smells worse than him

Dab: fuck off grandpa

Agust Dick: I will fight you irl

Dab: let's go then!

Mommy: as if BamBam would ever leave the dorm for something other than practice lmao

Donut Hoodie: true

J-Hoe: life is great don't you think

Donut Hoodie: not when you share a dorm with BamBam

yugyeom: I share a room with him. I sleep in the living room now

Donut Hoodie: your name is so boring yugyeom yeet

yugyeom: no one says yeet anymore wtf

_Donut Hoodie changed yugyeom's name to magical maknae_

magical maknae: _any_ ways where's exo

Innocent: MOANS

Innocent: ALL I CAN HEAR ARE MOANS

Donut Hoodie: oh no

Donut Hoodie: RUN KAI RUN

jungcock: DASI RUN RUN RUN

Innocent: "AH FUCK CHANYEOL MMM" WTF

4D Alien: baekhyun is getting it

Innocent: MY EARS

bibleguy: need a bible?

Innocent: I NEED LIKE FIVE HOLY SHIT

Innocent: WTF BAEKHYUN JUST MOANED "DADDY"

Gucci: 

jungcock: Chanyeol has a daddy kink confirmed

Mother: A MAKNAE JUST SAID A DIRTY WORD

Mother: I REPEAT, A MAKNAE JUST SAID A DIRTY WORD

jungcock: I'm 19 wtf

jungcock: Lisa says worse things

Mother: She's twenty!

jungcock: what about kai??

Mother: he's like 22!

jungcock: ughhhh

top text bottom text: hey guys what's up

Innocent: what's up?

Innocent: WHAT'S UP?

Innocent: "AHH FUCK CHANYEOL MM" "DADDY"

_Innocent has left the chat_

jungcock: I think Chanyeol broke kai lmao

\-----

Agust Dick: ok who the hell is moaning at 3am

Dance Monster: sounds like kookie's gettin it

jisoo #1: that is now forever imprinted in my mind

Mother: can I get my fucking beauty sleep without people fucking each other

J-Hoe: I can hear it from my room oh my god he's getting it good

J-Hoe: "mmm oh yeah" "fuck" "ah right there"

Jisoo #1: WE DID NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT

jisoo #1: but who's kookie with

J-Hoe: I bet ten dollars it's Taehyung

Jisoo #1: I bet ten dollars it's jimin

J-Hoe: vkook trumps jikook jisoo

J-Hoe: it's definitely taehyung

J-Hoe: "Oh fuck kookie" "mmm"

J-Hoe: it's a deep voice

Dance Monster: this is the third night in a row are they really that horny ffs

Agust Dick: I wonder if any other groups can hear it

thughao: I can hear it slightly

thughao: not very much though

Agust Dick: I forget that your dorm is right next to ours

Agust Dick: except when Mingyu and Wonwoo are fucking

thughao: probably because you never leave your dorm except for practice

Dance Monster: Jesus Christ can they get any louder oh my god

Dance Monster: apparently they can

\-----

jungcock: good morning everyone~

Mom: are you okay?

jungcock: of course I am, what do you mean?

Lay's Potato Chips: he's not okay, is he

Agust D: not in the slightest

jungcock: I can't fucking walk WHAT DO I DO

4D Alien: I'll just carry you

jungcock: no it's fine, I'll just have to try hard I guess

Mother: I JUST HEARD A LOUD BANG DID NAMJOON BREAK SOMETHING AGAIN?!

Namjoon: No! 

_jungcock has left the chat_

 

 


	2. I am 26 years young!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jungkook is struggling to walk, Rosé is behind on the memes, Lisa slaps the people that insult said lack of meme knowledge, and Xiumin insists he is hip and young.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this while listening to Agust D and the Cyphers so expect a lot of roasting in this chapter!

Gay™: oh sorry I lost my phone yesterday, just found it

Gay™: 

jackass: that meme is from like 2008 get that stale shit out of here

Donut Hoodie: babe don't be so hard on her.

lurking: nasty

thughao: Idk which is worse

thughao: the PDA or the stale meme

thughao: either way I want to vomit

smol and angry: that meme is worse than wonwoo's dad jokes

nerddd: how's the weather down there, jihoon?

smol and angry: fuck you

Fuck You: you called?

Baeked Potato: oh god it's kyungsoo

Fuck You: I'll beat your ass

Baeked Potato: should I run

Fuck You: yes

Gucci: lmao baekhyun literally ran down the hallway and locked himself in the bathroom

Fuck You: tao you're next if you don't stfu

Gucci: oh shit

jackass: why is Lisa at our dorm???

jackass: AND WHY IS SHE BANGING ON THE DOOR VIOLENTLY?

\-----

   After a few moments of violent pounding on the door, Jackson finally opened the door to a very angry Lisa. Within a few seconds, she already had him cornered. "HOW DARE YOU INSULT MY ROSÉ'S LACK OF MEME KNOWLEDGE YOU PIECE OF SHIT??"

   Lisa slapped him one last time before walking out of the dorm. 

\-----

Donut Hoodie: where'd Jackson go

Donut Hoodie: I haven't seen him since practice ended

Dab: Jackson got beat up by Lisa because he roasted rosé

Donut Hoodie: WTF JACKSON IMMA BEAT YOUR ASS TOO

Donut Hoodie: but gently, because I love you

jackass: I regret every decision I've ever made

jackass: she kicked me in the balls. TWICE!

jackass: TWICE I TELL YOU!

jackass: I'M STILL IN PAIN

Pretty And Nasty: serves you right

Donut Hoodie: true

jackass: okay fuck I'm sorry

Gay™: i don't even care tbh Lisa is just hot when she's mad

jackass: wait so you just LET HER come and beat the shit out of me?

Gay™: you could've just stopped her you're taller and more muscular 

jackass: I couldn't

jackass: I was in shock. And pain!

Gay™: rip 

thughao: oh shit she's knocking on seventeen's dorm DON'T OPEN THE DOORS

\-----

   Joshua, being the gentleman he is, politely invited her inside. Joshua led Lisa to Minghao's room. And that's where it began. Lisa smacked him, and then simply walked away. Minghao's sort of just sat there, confused and slightly afraid.

\-----

Pretty And Nasty: I'm too lazy to go to Exo's dorm, so get fucked Chen 

bibleguy: wait did you come to our dorm just to slap Minghao

Pretty And Nasty: Yep

bibleguy: okay then IG

dead: hey guys

bibleguy: wait one second 

_bibleguy added jungcock and Innocent to the chat_

Innocent: hey 26 year old

dead: I am not old! I am still young!

Baeked Potato: nah you're still pretty olddd

dead: shut up baekhyun you're only a year younger

Baeked Potato: 

Baeked Potato: sHuT uP BaEkHyUn YoU'rE oNlY a YeAr YoUnGeR

dead: I will beat your ass with a stick bitch

Innocent: you wouldn't beat me, would you?

dead: especially you

Innocent: C H I L D A B U S E

dead: shut up you're 22

Innocent: I may legally be an adult, but deep down, I'm still 5

jungcock: same

dead: Jungkook you're still legally 5

jungcock: shut up you're like 40

dead: I'm 26 years young!

jungcock: same thing

Dance Monster: this is why you failed math you idiot

Mother: true

J-Hoe: accurate

Jamophobe: completely correct

Agust Dick: Can confirm; jungkook is an idiot

4D Alien: yup

Blow It Like Flute: lmao your whole group is roasting you

Gucci: I guess you could say that jungkook is jungshook

jisoo #1: holy shit

Mother: guys jungkook is face down on his bed

4D Alien: kinda looks like him at practice earlier tbh 

Baeked Potato: what happened at practice

Jamophobe: jungkook got fucked so hard he can't walk so in practice he collapsed and just layed there for a few minutes

Gucci: if that ain't me

Baeked Potato: I guess jungkook was right

Baeked Potato: "Everything is spiraling downwards" including you

jungcock: I

jungcock: I'm done

Mother: he just rolled off his bed lmaooo

Dance Monster: is he ok

Mother: no

Dance Monster: oh ok

Momma 2.0: RIP Jungkook 1997-2017

Donut Hoodie: Is he going to be ok

Mom: probably not after this

Dad: whoops

ddr: I've been trying to ignore this chat for the past two days holy shit shut up

baby: Jeonghan took my phone so I wouldn't see all the inappropriate talk

baby: got it back tho

Mom: DINO??

baby: gOTTA BLAST JEONGHAN JUST RAN OUT OF HIS ROOM

Mixtape: why is Jeonghan tackling Dino and why is Seungkwan recording the whole thing?

 

 

 


	3. sehun is not suho's favorite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> J-Hoe: respect your hyungs kids 
> 
> Yehet: no
> 
> Sad Mother: respect me sehun or you will no longer be my favorite
> 
> Yehet: was I ever your favorite
> 
> Sad Mother: of course not

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Messages in parentheses () are in Mandarin

mixtape: guys guess what

Mom: you finally got over smtm4?

mixtape: no but 

Dad: H E A D L I N E S H E A D L I N E S

mixtape: fuck you 

Dad: hyung 

mixtape: 

mixtape: hYuNg

Mom: ur grounded 

mixtape: I'm 19???????

jungcock: get used to it lmao

mixtape: anyways, this chat doesn't have a name

mixtape: so....

_mixtape named the chat **you are all failed abortions**_

jungcock: not all of us. 

jungcock: just you Vernon

hit the kwan: agreed

mixtape: why does everyone hate me

magical maknae: because maknaes are the best

jungcock: can confirm

baby: yeah 

Pretty And Nasty: v true

Yehet: Yup 

Agust Dick: they're also the most annoying 

magical maknae: that's not me that's bambam

Yehet: that's baekhyun 

jungcock: I take full responsibility

Pretty And Nasty: same 

Yehet: ok all of us besides yugyeom are annoying 

J-Hoe: respect your hyungs kids 

Yehet: no

Sad Mother: respect me sehun or you will no longer be my favorite

Yehet: was I ever your favorite

Sad Mother: of course not 

Baeked Potato: I'm his favorite

Sad Mother: oh fuck no

Sad Mother: my favorite is kai

Innocent: ha 

Gucci: I just hate you all

Agust Dick: same

Donut Hoodie: everyone but svt and the rest of got7 is here

thughao: I'm always here

thughao: I'm just lurking

lurking: actually I'm lurking

thughao: fuck off Chen

bibleguy: guys chill

mixtape: can you guys check out my mixtape pls

mixtape: it's on SoundCloud

smol and angry: ffs Vernon 

smol and angry: I'm going to shoot you one day

mixtape: yeet 

Agust Dick: everyone loves my mixtape

mixtape: The one about your tongue technology

Agust Dick: yes

mixtape: lit

ddr: no stop Vernon

Mother: Jeonghan pls control your children

Mom: kids stop being dumb kthnx

Dad: really Jeonghan

Jamophobe: mom

Mom: yes?

Mother: what up

Momma 2.0: what?

Mommy: yes small child?

Sad Mother: what do you want 

Jamophobe: five types of moms 

bibleguy: why are there five moms in this chat

Mom: 5 groups. Each group has a mom member

Mom: we should change our names so it's less redundant

thughao: wow Jeonghan actually said something smart for once

Mom: ur still not my favorite

_Mom changed their name to Mommy Jeonghan_

_Mommy Jeonghan changed Mommy's name to Mommy Jinyoung_

_Mommy Jeonghan changed Momma 2.0's name to Mommy Jennie_

_Mommy Jeonghan changed Mother's name to Mommy Jin_

_Mommy Jeonghan changed Sad Mother's name to Mommy Suho_

Mommy Jeonghan: there

Mommy Jin: very fitting

Dad: a lot of the mom names start with j

Mommy Jennie: shit u right

Mommy Jennie: well I'm gonna go sleep. Peace

Dad: Wait it's 10 pm

Mommy Jennie: I just want an excuse to stop reading messages for the next 8 hours 

Dad: oh ok

\-----

_Lay's Potato Chips created a group with 9 others_

_Lay's Potato Chips named the chat **Mandarin Time**_

Lay's Potato Chips: (can someone bring me food)

thughao: (just do it yourself yixing)

Lay's Potato Chips: (no too lazy)

Gucci: (fine what you want)

Lay's Potato Chips: (idk)

Gucci: (McDonalds?)

Lay's Potato Chips: (nah)

Gucci: (Panda Express?)

Lay's Potato Chips: (eh... Nah)

Gucci: (BURGER KING?)

Lay's Potato Chips: (I don't really want fast food)

Gucci: (I'm going to kill you)

jackass: (yixing I will make a pun if you do not decide because now I want food)

Donut Hoodie: (want me to get you some McDonalds ❤)

dead: (wait a fucking second)

dead: (did mark tuan just use an EMOJI)

dead: (WHAT THE FUCKKK)

Donut Hoodie: (calm down shoemin)

dead: (I'm Xiumin)

Donut Hoodie: (same thing)

jackass: (can you get me some fries mark)

Donut Hoodie: (yes :))

lurking: (THE SHIP IS SAILING)

Donut Hoodie: (what)

lurking: (nothing)

Donut Hoodie: (k cool)

\-----

**you are all failed abortions**

lurking: MARKSON IS SAAAAIIIILING

Dab: OMG REALLY???

lurking: YESSSS

Dab: I WILL GO DOWN WITH THIS SHIP

Donut Hoodie: guys pls chill I literally just got him McDonald's

lurking: YEAH AND YOU ADDED A HEART IN OUR MANDARIN CHAT

Dab: you guys have a Mandarin chat?

lurking: yeah

Dab: I'd make a Thai chat but there are only two Thai speakers here

Dab: me and Lisa

lurking: BAMLISA

Dab: I'm gay

Pretty And Nasty: I'm also gay

hit the kwan: is everyone on here gay?

sunshine smile: nah, I'm ace

nerddd: I'm bi

Agust Dick: pansexual here

hit the kwan: are you attracted to pans or something

Agust Dick: definitely haven't heard that one before

Agust Dick: Seungkwan I live right next door I could just walk into your room and punch you for being fucking dumb

hit the kwan: chill I know what pansexual means

hit the kwan: just felt like being an asshole

Agust Dick: fair enough, I suppose 

jackass: GUYS OMG

Agust Dick: is Jackson ok he just used omg 

jackass: MARK JUST KISSED ME

lurking: SHIPPPPPPPP

Donut Hoodie: srsly Jackson

jackass: I had too

Dab: AHHHHHHHHHHH

 

 


	4. see you all in hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jungcock: you know what  
> jungcock: see you all in hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dino is smol and innocent pls protect him
> 
> (also this is literally just a crack fic and it does not fully demonstrate my writing, it's literally the written form of crack)
> 
> (Another thing: DID YOU GUYS HEAR THE NEW EXO ALBUM BECAUSE IT IS ACTUAL FIRE)

Baeked Potato: wait how old is dino again

Mom: 221 months old and 6 days

Dad: Jeonghan he is 18

Mom: well yeah... but I mean...

baby: I'm 18, why?

Baeked Potato: PERFECT AGE FOR CORRUPTION!

Mom: BYUN BAEKHYUN I KNOW WHERE YOUR DORM IS

Baeked Potato: and I know where the nearest wal mart is bitch I can hide

Mom: snap maps m8

Baeked Potato: fuck gotta blast

hit the kwan: it's literally a pride parade in here

hit the kwan: I'm Agender

the tall one: someone said gay

the tall one: so I'm here now

sunshine smile: most of svt isn't even here lmao

big ego™: no we are

smol and angry: we're just lurking ofc

ddr: been here the entire time

jackass: youngjae where u at

iconic: hey fuckers

top text bottom text: WOAH THERE

big ego™: damn

iconic: what

jackass: my name is fucking weird one minute

_jackass changed their name to gay and gayer_

gay and gayer: there

Donut Hoodie: accurate

**Mandarin Time**

lurking: (no but seriously are Jackson and mark together)

gay and gayer: (no...?)

Donut Hoodie: (I mean, if you want to)

gay and gayer: (really?)

lurking: (oh SHIT IT'S HAPPENING)

Gucci: (SCREENSHOT IT CHEN)

dead: (guys chill holy shit)

 

_Dab created a chat with 39 others_

_Dab named the chat **MARKSON**_

Dab: GUYS OMG

Dab: 

bibleguy: OMG goals

mixtape: hella gay

the tall one: someone summoned me

nerddd: gyu come back to bed 

Dab: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

nerddd: we're just cuddling you fucking pervert

Baeked Potato: I WAS SUMMONED

top text bottom text: nasty

Gucci: THE SHIP HAS SAILED

lurking: istg if they break up imma break up with my life

memelord: jongdae u ok there 

lurking: are any of us

Fuck You: where the hell is jongin I need to beat his ass

lurking: kinky

Fuck You: he ate the last taco 

Innocent: I did and I am proud

Yehet: where's suho 

Mommy Suho: here

Gucci: M A R K S O N

big ego™: BamBam did you really just make this chat to talk about markson 

Dab: yes

Pretty And Nasty: honestly I've scrolled through Tumblr looking at markson moments

cat army: ngl same

Pretty And Nasty: omg what's your URL

cat army: I'll send it to you via private chat

Pretty And Nasty: ok

 

**you are all failed abortions**

Mommy Jin: namjoon come to my room

Dance Monster: why

Mommy Jin: you know why

Dance Monster: oh shit

thughao: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Dab: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Mommy Jinyoung: BamBam do not disrespect your hyungs!

Mommy Jeonghan: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Jamophobe: 2 types of moms

Mommy Jin: namjoon come here right now it's urgent

Mommy Jeonghan: Jin my maknae is here

jungcock: you know what

jungcock: see you all in hell

jungcock: ya nasties

_jungcock has left the chat_

J-Hoe: our maknae is scarred now

Mommy Jinyoung: honestly he lives with 6 other gay guys he was already scarred by the moaning

4D Alien: I remember when we first met lmao he was so innocent

4D Alien: now he is mentally scarred by us

Baeked Potato: dino in a few years

Mommy Jeonghan: nope not happening baekhyun

baby: stop discussing my innocence please I'm trying to listen to the new exo album pls

Mommy Jeonghan: it's a bop

baby: a ko ko bop

Mommy Jeonghan: you're officially not my favorite

baby: :(

Mommy Jeonghan: ok fine 

Dad: chan turn down your music please

baby: I'm sorry what?

Dad: did you just turn up your music

baby: No?

Dad: WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO OUR PRECIOUS CHAN

baby: I'm fine Seungcheol 

Dad: I'm actually crying rn

Dad: MY SON IS ALL GROWN UP

baby: I'm not your son dad

Dad: did you just call me dad

thughao: he srsly called cheol dad

baby: I meant Seungcheol

baby: I just got a text from my real dad and accidentally wrote dad

big ego™: sure chan~

magical maknae: don't worry chan it's okay if you see Seungcheol as a father figure

baby: I don't?

baby: he's like a brother to me

mixtape: sureeee

baby: fuck this

_baby has left the chat_

4D Alien: wtf dino literally never gets mad

Mommy Jeonghan: YOU ALL JUST ANGERED MY MAKNAE WTF

Mommy Jeonghan: I am actually worried though ;-;

Mommy Jeonghan: I'm going to go check on him

Dad: eh he'll get over it eventually


	5. Receipts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vernon makes an Exo-M joke and triggers everyone, Wonwoo and Mingyu are oblivious, and as usual, lots of memes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait! I've been getting ready for the start of school this month. It might be a bit short er or longer than usual. But enjoy!

nerddd: good morning everyone :)

the tall one: wonwoo it's 3am

nerddd: well I just woke up so now it's morning

the tall one: well okay then I guess

Donut Hoodie: omg meanieeeeee

the tall one: ???

nerddd: are you okay mark?

gay and gayer: it's fucking SAILING GUYS

nerddd: is this like a ship or something

dead: probably

Gay™: yes it is indeed a ship

Gay™: best one in seventeen

nerddd: who's in this so called ship?

mixtape: wonwoo you are fucking stupid

the tall one: hey! don't talk about my boyfriend like that!

mixtape: told you guys it'd work!

gay and gayer: omg he admitted it

nerddd: what? No??

the tall one: best friend* autocorrect is mean

Donut Hoodie: sureeeeee~

magical maknae: THE SHIP HAS SAILED

nerddd: I still don't get it

Mommy Jeonghan: we want you two to fuck

Dad: wow ok that was blunt han 

the tall one: wonwoo and I? fucking? Like, actual fucking?

Mommy Jeonghan: yup

nerddd: I'm going back to sleep...

 

\-----

 

thughao: where's jun

gay and gayer: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Donut Hoodie: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Mommy Jeonghan: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

dead: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

thughao: oh ffs I just need to beat him up

Baeked Potato: k i n k y

thughao: ofc you find it kinky you fucking nasty ass

Baeked Potato: that's me  ( ͡ ͜ ʖ ͡ )

top text bottom text: baek 

Baeked Potato: yes love?

top text bottom text: I love you but just looking at that emoticon made me puke in my mouth a little

Baeked Potato: ur so mean :(

thughao: jun 

thughao: jun

thughao: jun

thughao: j u n

big ego™: whaaaaaat

thughao: where in the ever loving fuck are you

big ego™: in my room??

thughao: you fucking liar I just checked your room

big ego™: come check again?

thughao: ugh fine

jungcock: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

hit the kwan: how much do y'all bet they're fucking

Mommy Jeonghan: twenty bucks

Dad: I bet they're not

Mommy Jeonghan: how much do you guys bet that jun tops

sunshine smile: ten bucks?

Dad: they are not fucking

Dad: I stand fucking corrected 

Dad: I can hear everything wtf they're so damn loud

_Mommy Jeonghan sent a video_

Mommy Jeonghan: "fuck jun" MINGHAO IS A BOTTOM

Mommy Jeonghan: I need to go put headphones on dino one second

Mommy Jeonghan: he's literally shaking in a corner oh no

sunshine smile: WHAT THE HELL WHO HAS SEX AT NOON

Dad: apparently jun and minghao

jungcock: can you guys shut up I'm trying to listen to SHINee

Agust Dick: he's blasting Lucifer 

Dance Monster: can you shut the fuck up jungkook

jungcock: wow I feel so loved

4D Alien: I love you~

Jamophobe: gross, pure love

bibleguy: why do I hear moaning?

Jamophobe: minghao and jun are fucking

bibleguy: oh I thought it was mingyu and wonwoo

Dad: I JUST HEARD A LOUD THUD

jungcock: did the bed break lmao

Dad: probably

Dad: Jeonghan and I's room is right next to jun's room, I can literally feel the wall shake

jungcock: they're fucking against a wall now?

Dad: apparently 

dead: I will never get that out of my mind

Pretty And Nasty: yeet

nerddd: why would mingyu and I be fucking?

nerddd: I mean, not that I don't want to

the tall one: wait what

Dad: oh shit lmao

Mommy Jinyoung: use protection ;)

nerddd: I didn't mean that I wanted to or anything, I mean I just don't hate mingyu?

the tall one: I don't know how to respond to this, uh....

nerddd: I'm uh, just gonna go...

the tall one: me too

mixtape: gotta kris, luhan, and tao

Dad: YOU DID NOT

Mommy Jeonghan: HANSOL WHY

Donut Hoodie: VERNON WTF

hit the kwan: NOPE NOPE NOPE

gay and gayer: I don't even know you anymore

Dab: what's a Vernon

Mommy Jeonghan: I only have ten children

mixtape: damn okay 

thughao: Wtf why you guys discussing jun and I's sex lives

Mommy Jeonghan: cheol you owe me and seokmin thirty bucks

Dad: ugh fine

thughao: w h a t t h e f u c k

Mommy Jeonghan: what?

thughao: I'm just going to sleep, I'm exhausted

Mommy Jeonghan: yeah. We heard you two the entire time 

thughao: you're just jealous that you haven't been dicked in weeks

Mommy Jeonghan: um actually

mixtape: how about n o 

Dad: han no

smol and angry: nope nope nope

_Mommy Jeonghan has been removed from the chat_

smol and angry: we are not discussing getting docked here anymore

Agust Dick: can y'all shut the fuck up I'm trying to sleep and you guys decide to fucking blow up my phone

Jamophobe: yoongi calm down

Agust Dick: fine

Mommy Jin: the wrath has been tamed once again

Agust Dick: I will throw a lamp at you jin. 

Mommy Jin: gotta MCR

nerddd: EXCUSE YOU

nerddd: WHY WOULD YOU FUCKING BRING BACK THE PAIN

nerddd: I'm FUCKING DONE

hit the kwan: O.O

thughao: wow

thughao: or should I say

nerddd: don't you fucking dare hao 

thughao: wonwow 

big ego™: I legit hear screams

big ego™: one sec

_big ego™ added Mommy Jeonghan to the chat_

Mommy Jeonghan: wonwoo is getting his ass HANDED to him

Mommy Jeonghan: should we add NCT to the chat

hit the kwan: it's chaotic enough 

jungcock: what the fuck is happening here

nerddd: k never mind 

thughao: this is why you don't mess with a black belt 

nerddd: go fuck yourself

nerddd: or get jun to do it

thughao: you're just mad cuz mingyu still hasn't fucked you

the tall one: stop shipping us

Donut Hoodie: stop being shippable then

the tall one: never

Donut Hoodie: that's what I thought. now kiss

nerddd: ???

Donut Hoodie: did I fucking stutter?

nerddd: no?

Donut Hoodie: then fucking kiss we all know you like each other

nerddd: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Gay™: oh ffs

_Gay™ changed nerddd's name to Bottom_

_Gay™ changed the tall one's name to Top_

Top: wtf we haven't even fucked yet

hit the kwan: "yet"

Mommy Jeonghan: bitch please we all know what you two do in the practice room when everyone goes back to the dorms

Mommy Jeonghan: Last Tuesday, for example. I have pictures

Bottom: Wtf?!?

Baeked Potato: he got receipts lmao 

Gucci: why is svt drama so much more interesting than exo drama

Baeked Potato: are you saying I'm not interesting?

Gucci: yes

Baeked Potato: well then

Mommy Jeonghan: I will post the pictures if you don't own up to it guys

Bottom: we never fucked!

Top: Ever!

Mommy Jeonghan: so be it...

_Mommy Jeonghan sent a photo_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, sorry for the long wait! Hopefully this makes up for it. If you have any suggestions, please comment! Feedback really helps :)


	6. Satan Hyung

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gyuhao bickering, Meanie in denial, and Jeonghan being a mom™.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh dear... Over a month since the last update! My apologies :( School started and I've been very sick, and the air quality here became dangerous so my sickness got worse. But I'm better now! Not a big fan of this chapter, I'm afraid, but it'll have to do for now!

Top: what the fuck we aren't fucking in that photo

Bottom: that's not us!

Mommy Jeonghan: I HAVE VIDEO

Mommy Jeonghan: I can hear e v e r y t h i n g 

Bottom: ok prove it

Top: wonwoo tf

Bottom: it's not us, so he can't prove it is

Mommy Jeonghan: hahahaha oh really

Mommy Jeonghan: then what's this?

_Mommy Jeonghan has sent a video_

mixtape: wow okay um

hit the kwan: that's definitely them. 

Top: okay um no it's not??

Bottom: ...well we aren't fucking in that

Mommy Jeonghan: you were damn close tho

Bottom: can't deny that I suppose

Top: we didn't fuck tho, so what we made out

Mommy Jeonghan: while fucking moaning 

Top: yeah ok whatever

Bottom: gotta blast

_Bottom has left the chat_

Dad: we should add Dino back

_Dad added baby to the chat_

_baby has changed their name to Dinosaur_

Dinosaur: can you stop babying me han?

Mommy Jeonghan: g a s p

Mommy Jeonghan: How dare you talk to your own mother that way?

Dinosaur: you're not tho??

Mommy Jeonghan: G A S P

Mommy Jeonghan: DINO HOW COULD YOU

Dad: hannie calm down he's 18 he is legally an adult now

Mommy Jeonghan: ik but he's the closest thing I've got to innocence in this nasty ass band

bibleguy: ?? i am p u r e

Mommy Jeonghan: pure my fucking ass

bibleguy: i am not a sinner like you

Mommy Jeonghan: josh we all know you're like twice the hoe i am

bibleguy: I am not a hoe. 

Mommy Jeonghan: OH REALLY

Mommy Jeonghan: EXPLAIN THIS

_Dinosaur has removed Mommy Jeonghan from the chat_

Dinosaur: nope nope nOPE

Dinosaur: with all due respect Seungcheol hyung

Dinosaur: your boyfriend is literally Satan

Dad: I mean

Dad: you're not wrong

\-----

Agust Dick: JEON FUCKIN JUNGKOOK GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE

jungcock: NOT TODAY, SATAN

Agust Dick: THAT'S SATAN HYUNG TO YOU!

_jungcock has changed Agust Dick's name to Satan Hyung_

Satan Hyung: YOU SHOULD RUN

4D Alien: please don't kill my boyfriend 

4D Alien: I actually kind of like him

Satan Hyung: I DON'T CARE HE FUCKING WOKE ME UP

Dance Monster: kookie is fucked 

Mommy Jin: Jimin do the thing.

Jamophobe: yoongi~ please don't kill jungkook~

Satan Hyung: but 

Jamophobe: no buts. If you want cuddles later then you have to leave Jungkook alive~!

Satan Hyung: fine. 

thughao: what kind of witch craft are you pulling Jimin?

Mommy Jin: yoongi is just whipped as fuck

Baeked Potato: hello!

thughao: i can smell the greasiness from hear

Top: didn't know you could smell with your ears Hao

Top: learn to spell

thughao: okay um fuck you first of all Korean isn't my first language

Top: I'm sorry

Top: I love you?

thughao: fuck you. 

Top: isn't that jun's job 

thughao: gtfo 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, apology for the (extremely) long wait! School is a real son of a bitch right now. This was pretty short, unfortunately. Hope you enjoyed! (oh god this was such a bland chapter)


	7. halloweebs

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I've been gone for almost four months, so my dearest apologies. I'm very sorry to say that this is the last chapter. However, I am currently working on a Gyuhao story and plan to have it up by January (hopefully). Thank you for sticking with this story (I plan to write more in the future!). Sadly, this didn't come out on Halloween as I had originally planned. But at least the story is finished?

mixtape: y'all

mixtape: it's halloween let's go trick or treating

smol and angry: you're 19 

smol and angry: shouldn't you be going to a party instead of trick or treating

baby: ur never too old to trick or treat

Gucci: v true

dead: you know, when I was your age, 

bottom: bicth no one asked about ur wrinkly ass

dead: the disrespect 

dead: i'm- 

_dead has left the chat_

baby: fucking finally

Mommy Jeonghan: CHAN

baby: oh um gotta blast

_baby has left the chat_

 

thughao: can this chat die already?

top: yes... yes it can.

  * _top has deleted the chat_



**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spicy bois


End file.
